5 Annoying Types of Martial Arts Students

Discussion in 'Articles' started by SifuPhil, Aug 10, 2012.

  1. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    Martial arts students run the gamut from 3-year-old Johnny first learning to punch to 103-year-old Jason trying to remember how to breathe during his warm-ups. They cover the span of race, creed and color as well as ability and motivation.

    Having been a martial arts instructor for over 30 years I've learned that you can categorize these students into one of several (admittedly stereotyped) groups, based upon their attitude, their clothing and their preferred martial art.

    1. The Disciple


    Yeah, it's like that ...

    General Traits: The Disciple shows up at the doors of the school a half-hour before you open, in rain or snow, heat or cold. They sacrifice their lives for the opportunity to study under your expert tutelage and would take a bullet for you (if for whatever reason someone wanted to shoot you).

    Clothing: Old kung-fu jacket, sweats, headband, wristbands / iron rings, Chinese slippers

    Preferred Martial Art: Kung-fu - especially any style taught in a temple

    2. The Know-It-All


    The key-chain will never be as big as their ego ...

    General Traits: The know-it-all once had a second cousin who almost earned a yellow belt in Frapjitsu and they've watched a ton of YouTube videos so they already know most of what they need to know about your offerings. They just need you to give them the belt and make it official so you can just cut out all that extra garbage.

    Clothing: Chinos, button-down shirt, Reebok's

    Preferred Martial Art: Anything with a fancy certificate

    3. The Tough Guy


    Yeah, yeah, you're so tough ...

    General Traits: The tough guy grew up orphaned and homeless and ate rats IF he was lucky. He's tough as nails, isn't afraid to show it, has a large collection of scars and tattoos and won't hesitate to beat down any of your students who expresses the slightest bit of doubt about that fact.

    Clothing: Black leather jacket, 501s, work / motorcycle boots, fingerless gloves, RayBan sunglasses

    Preferred Martial Art: Any style that advocates lots of pain and suffering

    4. The New Ager


    Pink Floyd never put on such a great light show

    General Traits: The New Ager never wants to spar - in fact they don't want any physical contact at all. They're only here to achieve Nirvana through the spiritual discipline that your art instills. Striking another human being is anathema to them and their horrified faces will reflect that should you ever ask them to do so.

    Clothing: Tie-dyed shirt, yoga pants, Earth shoes, ponytail holder, Tibetan prayer beads

    Preferred Martial Art: Qigong, Yoga and Reiki

    5. The Dilettante


    Try 'em all, try 'em all, 3 for a quarter!

    General Traits: The Dilettante is on a schedule and only has so long to learn what you have to offer. They can be found clutching their iPhones with the scheduling app always running, and they'll always be on the lookout for the next big thing in the arts. If there's a fad they'll be nose-surfing it ahead of all the other laggards.

    Clothing: Designer track suit, New Balance shoes, leather portfolio bag, gold watch

    Preferred Martial Art: You name it, they'll study it
    Dpendleton, Mario Paul, Aaron and 3 others like this.
  3. Kevin

    Kevin Admin Staff Member

    Great article. I'm not sure where I fit into all of this. :)
    SifuPhil likes this.
  4. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    There are probably at least 50 Shades of Gray between the main types, so no problem. :D
    Master of Nothing likes this.
  5. Kevin

    Kevin Admin Staff Member

    haha 50 shades of gray. Every housewife's dream!
    Dpendleton likes this.
  6. WonderingFist

    WonderingFist Disciple of Mind

    I wish I was 'The Disciple'....though I know I'm something closer to 'The Tough Guy'...(damn self-awareness! Ruins my fantasies!)...Maybe somewhere in the middle?
    Ben likes this.
  7. TheWhiteTiger

    TheWhiteTiger Taoist Immortal

    So which one were you SifuPhil ;)

    I think at one point or another I've had characteristics from most of these guys.
    Dpendleton likes this.
  8. dgasmd

    dgasmd Disciple

    The funnier one would be The 5 Anoying Types of Martial Arts Instructors!!
    Dpendleton and Master of Nothing like this.
  9. Ben

    Ben Master

    I'm sort of Disciple mixed with a silent Know it all :p I study alot but ill keep my mouth shut until my teacher says what I think I know :p
  10. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    I was a blend of #3 and #4 - I was a Tough New Ager. If you didn't let me flow my qi into you I'd kick your butt. :confused:

    Funny, I was thinking about that one in the near future ... (y)
    TheWhiteTiger, Judah and Ben like this.
  11. Ben

    Ben Master

    Am I the only one who thinks the expression "flow my qi into you" sounds dirty xD sorry everyone :p
    TheWhiteTiger and Judah like this.
  12. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    If you only knew how many times in my life I've used that line ... [​IMG]
    Judah and Ben like this.
  13. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    I think I was a blend of 1 & 2 a know it all disciple! I already knew it all cos I'd read the tao of jeet kune do and seen ALL the films, but I turned up and went through the motions to get my pink fluffy belt and framed, laminated certificate etc etc..............
    SifuPhil likes this.
  14. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    depends how you say it......
    Aaron Hutto likes this.
  15. Ben

    Ben Master

    You dirty dirty devil xD
  16. TheWhiteTiger

    TheWhiteTiger Taoist Immortal

    Review of SifuPhils latest best seller in Black Belt magazine:

    'SifuPhils latest book "Let me flow my qi into you" is part martial arts instructional, part erotic memoir. With chapters entitled: Kicking - my Second Favourite thing to do to Your Ass, Spiralling Force - why Hammer when you can Screw? and The Benefits of Good Rooting, the martial arts veteran manages to perplex and terrify.

    Perhaps most memorable is Phil's encounter with a female ninja:

    "Sifu, stand aside or you'll feel the tip of my sword." She unleashed her little blade and waved it menacingly. Instantly, I knew what to do "That's not a sword, THIS is a sword." I shouted in my best Crocodile Dundee voice as I ripped off my black sash and let my tie dye pants fall to the floor. Obviously, ninja's wear masks, but I could see her eyes widen in surprise. I'd packed as much chi as I could down there... it had obviously worked.
    I exploded my pelvis forward in a sudden display of fa-jing, sending my straight (pork) sword, whip like, into her wrist. She dropped her blade and stumbled backwards, a mixture of awe and terror clearly visible in her posture.
    "You can do this one of two ways," I said, smiling at her knowingly "The violent way... or the HARD way." Then I showed her why they call Tai Chi an 'internal' art.

    All in all "Let me flow my qi into you" is a worthy addition to anybodies martial arts (or erotica) library, provided they never try to practise anything in the book and, if possible, are unable to read. 5 / 5 throwing stars!'
    Dpendleton, Judah and SifuPhil like this.
  17. TheWhiteTiger

    TheWhiteTiger Taoist Immortal

  18. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    Not far enough - you forgot the cover art ...

    flow chi.jpg

    LOVED the review!
  19. RJ Clark

    RJ Clark Tree Ninja Staff Member

    You should add The Natural and The Doubting Thomas (he's Know-It-All's cousin) to the list. The Doubting Thomas will still wonder if it'll work no matter how fast and effective a technique or tactics are, and no matter how many times you've utilized the technique in the "real-world" and cite those examples he's still "not sure...". The Natural makes you almost feel like he's reading your mind - you begin to teach him/her a technique and more often than not they execute perfectly the first time without you even going over the finer points. He or she's on the annoying list because no matter how easily you learned something, they make it look easier. The Natural's aptitudes makes you wonder if he or she isn't some ancient heroic figure reborn...
  20. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    Good ideas. I've had a few Naturals over the years - it's tough not being able to submerge your ego and trying to take credit for what they do.

    Not many Doubting Thomas's, though ...

    ... thank Buddha. :rolleyes:
    RJ Clark and TheWhiteTiger like this.
  21. RJ Clark

    RJ Clark Tree Ninja Staff Member

    Doubting Thomas is usually only in class for one session, becomes enlightened (one way or the other;)), then he officially changes his name to something else and is removed from the annoying list
    SifuPhil likes this.

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