Chuck Norris Ephemera

Discussion in 'Articles' started by SifuPhil, Jan 3, 2013.

  1. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    “Ephemera” is one of those words I always wanted to use in my writing but could never find a good enough reason to. Now, finally, Chuck Norris has given me a reason.

    Ephemera is just a $5 word for “things that are temporary in nature and not meant to last”. Oxford Dictionary defines it as:

    • things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time: there were papers, letters, old boxes—all sorts of ephemera
    • collectable items that were originally expected to have only short-term usefulness or popularity: Mickey Mouse ephemera

    So I figure that most of the modern merchandising that is related to Chuck Norris should qualify – I mean, who in their right mind would want to hold onto some bizarre little bobble-head or a weirdly-formed plastic action figure?

    As it turns out, LOTS of people.

    Here is some of the more popular, unusual or downright bizarre Chuck Norris ephemera I found on a recent shopping trip…


    This is the Mighty Muggs version of Chuck. Hasbro used to make these vinyl-plastic figures, which Wikipedia claims resemble “super deformed versions of characters” from popular entertainment and action franchises.

    He's super-deformed, all right – he makes the Elephant Man look like Brad Pitt. It looks like poor ol' Chuck got his head stuck in an upside-down flowerpot ...


    DeviantArt member BillyBob884 created this papercraft Chuck after several weeks of hard work and even had instructions to make your OWN God Norris, but unfortunately the instructions are no longer online. All those planes and angles … his face is the scariest part – it looks like he's been trapped in a plastic bag for too long.

    This guy is asking $1,000 USD for this monstrosity! It's just a Karate Kommandos figure with some red nail polish splashed on his hand! What POSSIBLE reason could Mr. Norris have for possessing a blood-covered left hand? What type of adventure has he just been on, and what did he do to the bad guy? Did he put a spinning back-fist into the guy's temple, or a spear-hand into the chest cavity, or ...

    On second thought, let me check my bank account.

    Amy Stratton, the creator of the Chuck Norris Bubble Bath, says that “Ok, so this is kind of wrong and I realise I will probably get roundhouse kicked in this face for this”.

    Yes, you very well may, Amy, but at least that damned blood washed off.


    Seller Intergalactic_Space_Bunny states “Up for sale is a original 1986 Kenner Chuck Norris Black Super Ninja Action Figure Loose. Usual plaint wear to the gold parts. No accessories. Action works ok, little tough to stand. “

    That's just what Chuck might be saying at this point in his life.

    Now, he's asking $12.00 USD for this thing – first off, it's over 25 years old. Second, how do we know that it really IS Chuck Norris? Under those corn-rows and Dr. Lecter mask it could be ANYONE …


    Etsy is always great for finding odd-ball arts and crafts, and my search this time didn't disappoint. Although unfortunately out of stock, this felt finger-puppet would have provided me with hours of good, clean playtime fun. The fact that all of his facial and head hair looks like a massive fungal infection would be beside the point …


    I believe this is from a Japanese-language blog and I didn't bother trying to translate. I prefer to just make up my OWN back-story, which involves Gay Chuck Norris The Hairdresser (who in turn looks like a modern 'roided-up version of Charlton Heston playing Moses) getting involved in taking down a group of drug-running terrorists that operate out of a beauty-supply warehouse in Slaughterville, Oklahoma.


    Now I've had three Corvettes in my lifetime (a weakness) in all stages of disrepair and tackiness, but I would NEVER drive this travesty. A trampoline spoiler? Really?!? Shinobi Slicers weren't enough for your testosterone-driven rage, huh, Mr. Kommando?

    Onokomo Fender Blade? Sorry, guys, that's an Onokomo HOOD Blade – get your terms right, will ya'?

    He's either throwing a shuriken at the guy in the drive-up window or he's throwing a gang-sign to Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.


    I STILL find this to be the most terrifying piece of Chuck Norris ephemera I've ever encountered. I've had nightmares from this thing, the kind where you wake up screaming and covered in wetness, but it isn't perspiration …

    Still, I find myself with the urge to take a trip to Spencer's one of these days and see if they have one in stock.

    AND – he TALKS! I can only imagine what he says …

    • “The Liberals are destroying America!”
    • “God blessed you – and now you can meet him!”
    • “Obama is a Muslim terrorist!”


    FrankBooth23, the father of this Frankenstein monster, said:

    OK, so let me get this straight … you took the body of a mutant, ripped off his head and sewed on the head of a Jedi Knight?!? Then you dressed him in a crappy old leather vest you stole from Indiana Jones' Dad?!?

    And the flag – is that Marma-Duke, John “Duke” Wayne or Duke Nukem?

    Have you no morals, man? This poor creature won't know whether to stab someone with a light-saber, rip them to shreds with his talons or simply bore them to death with a Highlands accent ...

    slippery when wet.jpg
    I'm sure that the Texas Ranger was just trying to make ends meet when he posed for these endorsement shots, but the only thing I can think of is …

    “BOW-chicka BOW-WOW”

    Come on – isn't he the perfect gay '80's porn actor? It's OK, you can say it – he isn't standing behind you right now, as we speak, with a Chuck Norris-approved Tug Toner of Terror. I promise.


    This is just wrong. I thought Chuck stood for Truth, Justice and the American Way, for clean, healthy living? Why would he allow his likeness to be placed upon a matched set of shot glasses whose only purpose for being is to help you get shit-faced? Does he want to cut down on the competition? Is this part of his Master Plan to take over America?


    Words … fail me. But I'll try …

    I don't know what YOU folks see when you look at this trio, but when I look at it my head starts buzzing with a fan-fic piece where “Boots” Norris meets Dr. Dre Lecter and Itchee-Scratchee the Sumo wrestler. Look where Itchee's left hand is – go ahead, TELL me he isn't priming the old pump for that virginal white loincloth …

    So now Chuck is not only a flasher, but a DUAL flasher? Geeze, all my heroes are dying out.

    And why is he swinging a golden torque wrench?

    We have Etsy to thank once again for this gem – a “Chuck Norris Wood Carving” - $175 USD. I think they could have called it “'80's Cuban Boat-Person Refugee in White Leisure Suit” and been just as accurate in their description.


    Etsy again. Since words once again fail me, I'll leave it to the artist to describe:

    I have only one question: if he had a butterfly sword and an Uzi, how did they manage to get him up on the cross?


    Once again, Etsy …

    OH, yes, I do … but I don't think you're going to want to hear them. OK, just one – why does Chuck have an earlobe implant? It's either that, or his right ear is growing out of his neck ...


    "Sexy Pin Up Guy Light Switch Cover Pinup Man Decor Decoration Switchplate Chuck Norris Lookalike 1048”

    Etsy again, as if you couldn't tell by now. He looks more like a lumberjack who just drank too much maple syrup – that maniacal grin is unnerving. And why does he have studs in his head and above his nipple? Is this a body-mod lumberjack Chuck? Couldn't the artist at least have painted the screw-heads, also?


    I've saved another expensive piece of ephemera for last ...


    I suppose it was just a matter of time ...


    Attached Files:

  2. due to the fact that mr norris may possibly read this site, i shall only say that none of these items do him justice and no he does certainly not look like a member of village people in a couple of 'em........
    SifuPhil likes this.
  3. the kids i teach....that were born after 2001....its crazy....they see chuck norris as this ultra macho man.....the boys want to be him so badly
    also, there are all these jokes that include him jn it
    i amnot sure how these young children got the message that norris is this prototype of a real man
    SifuPhil likes this.
  4. RJ Clark

    RJ Clark Tree Ninja Staff Member

    Chuck and Arnold had a love child is more like it...
    SifuPhil and Semper Gumby like this.
  5. Charlay Atkins

    Charlay Atkins Samurai

    Now that really is disturbing. Now I'm going to have nightmares because of you lot.:nailbiting:
    SifuPhil likes this.
  6. dmach

    dmach Martial Archivest

    PR my friend - and the internet, more than likely started by the "Chuck Norris Joke" phenomenon. I'll wager that many of your students have never actually watched a Chuck Norris movie or even seen an episode of Walker Texas Ranger.

    At least we know that Chuck has a sense of humour, evidenced by the fact that in Expendables 2 Chuck Norris tells a Chuck Norris joke!!! :ROFLMAO:
    SifuPhil likes this.
  7. yeah....great campaign.....i am sure he selling lots of t shirts or something
    SifuPhil likes this.
  8. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    I do have to credit the man, even though I poke fun at him. At least he's trying to give a positive message to the kids nowadays, which is more than a lot of teachers and actors in the martial world I've seen. Yeah, he might not be perfect, but at least he stands for something.

    Granted, what he stands for is sometimes seen as a scary and extreme Fundamentalist / Conservative view of the States, and his past adulterous liasons aren't exactly role models for kids, but isn't that better than having some bloated, woman-beating egotistical maniac *cough* Seagal *cough* taking his place?

    We all need heroes, especially when we're young. Who else is there we can look up to? They're becoming an endangered species - they're falling left and right, whether to the siren calls of money, sex or drugs. Sure, if we dig deep enough even the gods have faults ... but maybe we weren't meant to dig that deep.
    Dagon Akujin and dmach like this.
  9. Caneman

    Caneman Test all things.

    I just watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop...
    And when he rises out of the "ball cage" on his Segway...
    It has a Lone Wolf McQuade reference all over it!

    And, frankly... my thoughts on Mr. Norris are this:
    A. He reached the pinnacle of accomplishment for a martial artist of his time; proven in the ring.
    B. He has directed and funded more money to help kids in need than the combined lifetime salary of everyone who is active on this site.
    C. He self-confesses no perfection; readily has admitted and publicly published his mistakes.
    D. He clearly states his beliefs (like it or leave it), and never waters it down or panders it.
    Locutus, SifuPhil, Judah and 4 others like this.
  10. Dave76

    Dave76 Deheuol Gwyn Dragon

    Dani - WTF!!!


    Arni - " You see! I told you Chuck could do it."
    Locutus likes this.
  11. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    Chuck Norris is so tough you don't nail him to a cross.. He nails himself!!!
    SifuPhil likes this.
  12. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    I haven't seen Expendables 2 yet! You've just ruined the best bit!
  13. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    Interestingly enough the only film with Chuck Norris in that I liked was Way of the Dragon... Cos he gets killed by Bruce Lee and the only film with Steven Seagal I liked was Executive Decision cos he falls out've a plane!

    And if either of them read this I care not a jot. Seagal's so fat he could never catch me and I'm twice the size of Norris. I vill krush him! :mad:
  14. Dave76

    Dave76 Deheuol Gwyn Dragon

    :oops: Oooohh!:oops:

    You just mixed up your Bruce Lee And Chuck Norris movies. "Way of the Dragon" was the movie you were after.

    Please present your mancard to Enkidu within 48 hrs for penalty deductions...
  15. Charlay Atkins

    Charlay Atkins Samurai

    Bless him it's not his fault he is dyslexic, leave him alone poor little might.

    On second thoughts eviscerate his ass. :ROFLMAO::D(n):cautious:
  16. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    Fuck me you're right!

    I don't need to. I've seen both fight club AND Casablanca my man card is safe.... Although I may lose points for having seen "Gymkata"
    Dave76 likes this.
  17. Charlay Atkins

    Charlay Atkins Samurai

    That makes both of us on that count then, Gymkata was absolute crud.:oops:
  18. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    I'm a card carrying member of DNA (national dyslexics association) and when I became a devil worshipper I sold my soul to Santa. Now I'm athiest, I don't believe in dog.
    SifuPhil and Charlay Atkins like this.
  19. Locutus

    Locutus Your fight is futile, my hands are pounding you!

    Dyslexics of the world UNTIE!!
    Judah and Charlay Atkins like this.
  20. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    I resemble that inclination!
    Locutus likes this.

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