How Good Is Your Verbal Self-Defense?

Why do people always assume that verbal self defense doesn't mean verbal escalation? Verbal intimidation is very easy to accomplish. I have ended confrontations calmly before by talking people down, but I have also ended them by making it clear that they were about to open up Pandora's Box and that I would destroy them. If you mean it, that can be enough to end a confrontation. I recall telling one guy in a bar who was getting physical with me that I was going to walk away so he could save face with his girlfriend who was watching the confrontation and that way he could go home and tell her what a stud he was and how scared I was of him and she would fuck his brains out... BUT, if he followed me when I walked away, I was going to make him prove it and it wasn't going to go the way he planned it. I told him this in a low voice with a smile on my face, but a hell of a lot of menace in my words and in my eyes. I meant it. He did not follow. Somehow people understand when you really mean it... and that causes them to back off.

Predators look for prey that will be easy. Predators tend to avoid prey that could cause them trouble and that might injure them (even if they win). One thing I will say tho... if you don't actually mean it and really do want to deescalate a situation, you better leave the person you are talking to with a graceful out. Most people don't want to fight, or they only want to fight with a big build up and puffing and a back and forth that builds. Most actions are for the sake of posturing and to get people to "break". For whatever reason, people who are posturing seem to know when you aren't and they don't test it 90+% of the time. Sometimes rapid and massive escalation of the threat level is what is called for to avoid a fight. But to be completely effective, you really do need to mean it.

 

Oh to answer the question:

1. If someone is trying to start a problem with my group by making fun, I usually just ignore it, or make a joke back that makes it appear as if I thought they were just trying to be funny and not intimidating. If it persists, I usually try the "hey buddy, relax and just have fun, no need to for static." If it goes much further, it is usually time to say something like, "you really want to do this? Should we just cut through the bullshit and go outside and solve this now so I can wipe your blood off my clothes and go back to having fun?"

2. If someone says something rude about my wife, I just escalate quickly without any build-up. Hell, sometimes I don't even try to verbally defuse. When my wife was still my GF, some guy called her a "fucking cunt" in front of me. He got a teep to the chest that put him down. You don't fuck with my woman in front of me... end of story.

3. If someone starts raising his voice at me, see #1. I'll usually try to deescalate first by being calm and ramp up slowly. If that isn't working, I ramp up quickly. I don't play by the rules of gradual escalation. I believe when there is a real threat, you don't wait for it to build if it cannot be nipped in the bud early on.

 

hmm...
I'd like to say I'm great at it, though I think - ever - in my history, I've only defused the situation twice, and one of those times it was my reputation of - not defusing the situation - that ended it.
and if you count the story below that would make 3 times.
Some shitty teenage drug dealer (he) threatened to kill my best friend (she) after a simple party accident. To which my response was to find this guy, throw him up against a wall and pull a knife on him. After a few simple words, he decided to leave her alone and never sell weed to her again.

 

If you haven't read this: Meditations on Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training & Real World Violence
I recommend the read. Author Rory Miller...
Has a follow-up: Facing Violence: Preparing for the Unexpected

 

I've taken enough personal insults in my life. I can take more. I've been called everything from an asshole to a whale and worse. If someone insulted my girlfriend, that's okay by me. They can tease all they want, it only means they're envious. if someone raised their voice, I'd keep my calm demeaner and prepare myself for the worst. I had to do that at work last night actually...not so much the keeping calm but the preparing for the worst. It was difficult to not explode but yeah...it was one of the hardest things I've had to do was to hold back how I felt about this idiot customer.

 

Oh God... I totally agree with this one. I would say that, if not a majority, at least a sizable minority of fights I have seen in and around bars have been started or escalated by women. The story above about the guy who I told I was going to walk away from him and if he followed there would be trouble, the girlfriend was the one who goaded her boyfriend to confront me. I recall another situation where a fight had started in a bar and me and another friend jumped in to help our two friends who were bouncing that night to deescalate the situation since there were two large groups of guys and we thought it could get ugly. Just when it looked like things were under control, the drunken women in each group started fanning the flames again and it turned into a full-scale brawl (well, not for very long it didn't... but it didn't have to go there). Hell, back when I was in law school, I dated an incredibly beautiful but incredibly unstable girl who was an undergrad who was even more unstable and liked to provoke fights when she was drunk. She put me in some hairy situations... the incredible sex was worth it tho.. =)

 

BTW, I want to make it clear that I am not a hot-head (at least not any more, although there was a time earlier in life that I was). Almost all the physical altercations I've had in my adult life have been in the context of protecting someone else or bouncing. Beyond those circumstances, I have been able to verbally diffuse something like 95%+ of situations where I was the one who was being harassed or targeted.

 

Ha! Yeah... I ended up dating a few "officer friendlies" who were being flirty with me while out with their BFs. The aforementioned crazy (and crazy hot) undergrad was one. Another was a girl I dated for a year after we met in a bar back when I was in the Marines. At the time I was in artillery school. USMC artillery school is located at a huge Army base and is really about 200 Marines total. Anyway, I was out at a bar to meet with another Marine and the bar was empty when I got there. I realized by friend was outside in a back patio area. He was talking with 4 Army officers... one of the officers had his ungodly hot girlfriend with him. I joined them and ended up sitting across from the hottie. We couldn't take our eyes off of one another. Seriously. I was just staring at her and she at me. Finally, I decided I would give her the opportunity to meet me. I excused myself to use the head. She immediately turned to her BF and said "I have to go to the bathroom."

The second we got inside the bar from the patio, we were face to face holding each others' hands staring at one another. I'll never forget the first words she said... "Hi, I guess." At some point during our flirtation, talk, and exchange of information, her eyes got wide looking over my shoulder, which told me her BF was behind me. She quickly excused herself. There was then a confrontation between myself and the irate Army officer. I was being really calm.

"Sir, I think this would be a really bad idea. If we do this..."

...Ashley starts walking away still in earshot...

"...I would have to explain to my command how I got into a fight with an Army officer..."

...Ashley getting to the edge of earshot...

"...and you would have to explain to your command..."

...She is finally out of earshot....

"...how you GOT YOUR ASS KICKED BY A PUNKASS MARINE!"

It was at this point that I closed the distance and got right in his face. He and his fellow officers realized this was not a good idea and left. Ashley and I met up the next day and dated for a year after that.

 

Hahahahaaaa, your good lady sounds just like me!! Although I tend to deal with it myself!! My BF usually stands back sporting a wry smile........respects to all XXXxxXXX

 

I always try dialogue before action. 99% of the time if you stand your ground and don't let on your in the slightest bit worried most would be aggressors will back down. I spent many years working on doors in nightclubs and while man handling drunks is a piece of cake, I often had to talk people down, the best way I found is to be assertive rather than aggressive, don't let size or attitude discourage you, don't make any threats and always be on the look out for that tell tale twitch which indicates a punch about to happen!

Where I live if someone wants to attack you they'll get a bunch of friends and rush you. Knock you down and stamp on you while you're on the floor, in that situation it's best to run like f#%¥€ IF you see them coming at you!

 

The first thing id say here regarding your GF expecting you to defend her is these days you can't just assume a woman want a man to stick up for her in a verbal altercation, I've done it in the past only to be berrated by the lady involved telling me, in the way only a pissed off woman can, "I'm a strong independent woman, I can look after myself" In fact I've had GFs who've been complete bitches when drunk provoking as many people as possible, would I defend them? Hell no! Just dump them and moved on! the only time I've ever fought (or hit really wasn't a fight) on behalf of a woman was when I was walking through soho in London with a friend's wife, a group of teens walked past and one shoulder barged my fruind's wife who was a tiny 5' 40kg Asian woman. the moment it happened, she was on my left, I immediately spun on my left foot and clocked the git with a perfect spinning hook kick with the enormous shit kicker cowboy boots I was wearing, it made a loud crack and the poor sod fell over (not unconscious) looked at the other two and asked "you c#%ts want some??" to which they turned and ran - only time I've EVER thrown a high kick outside the ring! Although my brother (axe kicking my fat self in my avi) has done it loads!

I've worked as door security in nightclubs for quite awhile and EVERY fight I broke up was either over a woman or provoked by a woman. Usually because a girl had gotten drinks off of two or more guys who each thought they were going home with her at the end of the night. I think the problem is most women don't consider violence will ensue, they seem to have a war of bitchy words winding someone up till they're livid, yet seem totally shocked when anyone actually does anything.

 

How good? Good enough to have avoided, not provoked, or not been involved in a fight in 30 years!

 

Normally unless I drink to much with Marine buddies, I am good about talking/walking a way from what could quickly become a fight. I have always been a big fan of keeping my hands in a non-threatening position that still leaves me an opportunity to defend/attack. http://submissions101.com/jiu-jitsu-training/the-fence-how-to-keep-an-aggressive-person-at-bay.html

 

More often than not, if you're in a pub or other place where alcohol is present.....it's the bumping into a person and spilling either a bit...or the entire contents of the glass they're holding which prompts a gentleman to smile and you should by rights offer to buy another as it was your fault....unfortunately, this is also where the guy whos pint you tipped can also be a twat and try belittling you. From experience....it's the idiots that bump into you forcing themselves to tip their own that kick off over something so trivial and just go off on one. I tend to think they just don't want to admit they're clumsy or they don't want to replace perhaps the drink you were holding.

When verbalising either passively or aggressively.....you should always be in control. It also takes a lot of practise....and some acting skills. If you're scared...you don't show it....if you aren't.....play possum.....and when it does kick off or are against a few....look as insane and as angry as possible, and don't worry about saliva buld up and escape.....this just adds to the picture they are building which is....holy shit what have I opened up here.

You should always be calm with what you do and relaxed, even in fight so as not to lose composure and focus......but thug mentality needs to see an ugly seething man snarling back at them.

I was taught a long time ago that everybody at the point of where they have to or want to hit....the body is primed to blast adrenalin throughout the body as it gets ready for survival mode and that the person doing the threatening, although appearing not to be worrying about the person they are picking on.....they are at that level too as the eyes, and ears work a million miles an hour feeding the info to the brain which is processing the threat level.

When you know this and understand it, the talk down is easy. Simply massage that ego of theirs. "C'mon mate, why you picking on me for, look at the size of you, you'll snap me, I'm not a fighter, let me get you another drink"

His brain will switch off from survival mode and go into contented mode.....after all...you just told him how tough he is....and you're replacing his drink.....he can't believe his luck.

From the outset....you should be aligning yourself as to spoil or evade an attack and also so that you are in a position to give him a good un....but do it so he doesnt notice.

If it was your fault or not....try to diffuse the situation passively and with a boost to their ego......because that adrenalin release makes a man sometimes 10 times as strong and as fast. Should they be full of arrogance and still want trouble after that....belt him a fucker while he's not primed anymore.

The next instance......is more often than not you walk in...have a brief scan of the place.....and you catch somebodies eye...fate had it, at that instant that your eyes meet....you do a pause and they do as both of you realise it. You may think nothing of it and if lucks in...so will they. The reality of this though is rarely is it just that first eye contact......sods law keeps singling the pair of you out so that every time you have a look round...or he does.....your eyes constantly meet throughout the evening and it doesnt matter how much you or they try to pretend you havnt noticed by still scanning....you have, you scan back and it happens again.....this can bring unease.....which often leads to at least one of you thinking what the fucks this guys problem and you or they will have a sneaky look to actually see if its coincidence.....or is this guy fixed on you.

If they see it.....they do the same....it's the brain evaluating threat again. If it bothers you...my advice..let it go. If it bothers them to the point where they have to come over and get in your face with the old what the fuck you looking at.....a little quick thinking is needed. I have had this happen so many times. Each time.....I have the same response to them.

Alrite mate, hows your mum. First this engages the brain. Does this guy know my mum.....how does he know my mum.
If he is anything like the rest of us he should answer but ask a question to you. She's good yeah....who are you? Don't give your name.....instead look at him a bit puzzled answer his question with a question....You Sharons son? That should stop it escalating any further as he should reply with a no....to which you say sorry mate I was a bit unsure if you were, thats why I was looking over at you all the time.

Similar applies with the ones who's mrs you were checking out and they see it......soon as they come over to have a go...most often being what you lookin at my mrs for.....just say she bothers with my sister don't she? She work in Boots? He'll probably still have his head up his arse but should dissapear after some arrogant remark.....they don't know how to reply with a simple no....so don't jump on him when he says No she fucking dont......just be gratefull he doesnt know you and your mate were actually talking about her and commenting on her arse.

Its a bullshit conversation yes....but it saves trouble. Think of it a bit like when you're out and you see that person who you don't really want to speak to and you just smile and have chit chat with although inside you are either killing them a million times a second....or see yourself thinking why me and want to cut your wrists haha.

When faced with more than one.....try passive...but don't be surprised when they are hell bent to beat you up as that pack mentality kicks in. You really need to sound aggressive with whatever you say here.....splay the arms point as you walk forwards....you really can't give any ground. If it kicks off.....then you have to be switched on and fast to the one, then the other and possibly others, funneling them in so that they obstruct eachother while you keep moving and hitting each of them.

I have been attacked twice by a gang in my life.....luck was on my side that they couldn't really fight as the first time was six people and the second was five of them.

The first was over something stupid.....I was playing an arcade game, Shinobi....was over 20yrs ago and this group of lads wanted to play it.

Me....I was good on it and had amassed lots of lives so it didnt look like I was dying anytime soon. They got shirty with me.....over that. Started with a little pushing and nudging. Then one of them decided I was ready to be their victim, I actually heard him say he was going to hit me to his friend.....I was ready for it....the schoolboy tap on the shoulder with an Oi....did I turn round...no...I sidestepped.

The result was the smack in the face he had intended which he'd probably slyed others with hit the Arcade machine.

They were too busy looking at the damage to the machine and him to notice what was coming.

2 of them wore a kick in the bollocks, one a punch in face, another ended up like a starfish sliding down the wall from a sidekick and the one who went to hit me in the first place I laid the head into...the other lad just ran off.

I screamed loads of abuse at them all and sort of gestured each was about to have another, making them all flinch into hedgehog balls.

Today....as they were after that day, all are good friends, some even became my students later on.

The second was in a club in Abergavenny, The Chevron. A few of us went out, me, the mrs and a student of mine and we were meeting a few others in there. Now....I'm not one for saying Oi that's my mrs to anybody who steps out of line because she has a rule.....she'll ask if she feels out of her depth.

She is a looker but just takes the compliments, me...I laugh when I see or hear them try to chat her up. A few times, they have overstepped the mark.....but the other half at one point was my best female fighter with a right cross that if it didn't put you to sleep, would shake you right down to your boots.

The amount of blokes over the years who have said I'm a lucky fella to have her I have lost count of.....and they are right...only I know her beyond just the looks.

Anyways. There we are a few hours into the night having a great time up on the dancefloor.....I look down and there's this guy.....down on his knees doing his best to look up the mrs skirt without any of us noticing as he'd approached us from behind. I just grabbed his arm and said the ones who don't have boyfriends are over there mate. Next thing one of his mates came over, what the fuckin problem he asked.

I said no problem....just your mates had a few too many and if that girl was anybody elses mrs other than mine, he could have found himself having a kicking. His eyes instantly told me he didnt like that and must have thought I bought into it when he said yeah pal I think so, cheers.

Now to onlookers....the glass in my hand probably looked like something laced with vodka.....it was just an orange juice though as not only do I not go out to get wasted......but I was a week away from a Muay Thai fight and this was my rest week as all the hard work was done.....but if you don't know me or know what was in the glass....you'd think easy target....small and pissed. Proper muggers dream.

I used the mirrors to see them eyeing me up, clocked everybody who were giving the daggers as this guy went over to each....and then they all started to move in positioning themselves. I had the fakest of smiles on my face when I said to the mrs and my student switch on, keep smiling, dont make it obvious but we have trouble.....boy in red top, rugby shirt, white shirt, puffer jacket, and the pisshead in the suit.

They were too stupid and too cocksure of themselves to see the shit that was about to hit their fan. The lad who was the reason in the first place, the one on his knees.....he was their decoy. Only this time I saw him making his way towards the mrs.....fair do's to her, she said just say when he's in kneeing distance and he'll have one in the nuts.

I told my student to leave now, his reply.....I can't, next request. I said puffer jacket, leave the floor now and get in his way, me they want, just slow him down.

The reason....he was the biggest.....and the only one who hadn't put his bottle down.

My student left the dancefloor, me and this mrs are bopping away like we didn't have a care in the world, then the boy dropped to his knees....in the next few moments I had to fight the voices inside, my temper was saying now, fuckin now all the while the other saying wait, wait....I can see them all getting closer, and trapping me, I was going for the sly dog instigator first, he was to the right, the lad was right behind the mrs, I wanted to kick his head off but then it came....I said NOW!

My mrs spun round grabbed this guys ears and drove a knee straight into his face, then another and another.....you could see the what the fuck look on my targets face as he watched my mrs still kneeing this guy who she'd lifted into a full clinch.....wham, he wore my shin across the face, goodnite irene.

I turn to get to the next, cross hook cross, a.k.a saturday night special and he hit the deck.

My mrs still got this guy in a clinch and as she lets him go he grabs her, I hit him with a Teep kick and launched him from the floor and over the tables.

Spotted another who was ready to batter me a few minutes ago.
Went at him, fucker screamed like a girl. NOOOOO, NOOOO, i'm not with them, no, no,bang, sleepy byes from an elbow.

One more left.....no there wasn't...my student got the guy in the puffer jacket over the rail that ran around the dancefloor and he was hitting him like it was the first time he'd hit anything and fell in love with what he was doing haha. He let this guy go and even though he wasn't sleeping he was done.

From the time my other half had thrown the first knee to the last one going down all happened inside of 20 seconds.....but all of us were stone cold sober and have some skills.

I have seen others who havn't been so lucky.....and that is something you really need on your side when the storm comes.

These guys were looking for trouble, they found it. The first gang.....I was just a kid who didn't want to be a victim and I knew nothing about strategies in that sort of situation.....or about the importance of the voice. I just did it.

The second gang.....well although a little wiser and educated to the voice.....that little bit of verbal I gave......as with many it fell on deaf ears.....so the man who ruined their weekend that night.....he did it because the kid he once was still didn't want to be a victim.

I hope nobody was offended by the swearing and that none of that came across as me saying I'm hard and all that blah blah or that I condone violence because that's not right.....I was simply lucky enough to go against 2 groups that were unskilled and taken by surprise.

If it wasn't for the mrs and a student being there, I may never have written this.....instead I could be asking somebody to leave a comment on Blackbelt forums for me that would say I picked a fight against a gang one night.....my friend has written this for me as my body doesn't work.

To be good at something takes time......to be great takes a lifetime.

Train hard to try and get or to keep the skills but be switched on and decent enough to maybe never need them. Ooss.