Much has been made of the ninja vs. pirate theme – in fact, it has become one of the more enduring Internet memes and has been played out repeatedly in forums, chat-rooms and YouTube videos the world over. What has not been done, however, as far as this author can ascertain, is to perform a professional analysis of tactics and strategies from the point of view of an experienced martial artist who is familiar and trained in BOTH disciplines. All of the existing ninja-vs-pirate discussions are based upon myths, legends and suppositions held by amateurs, not hard scientific facts and historical records collated by a professional researcher / warrior, leaving a large gap in our comparative martial art knowledge-base. This paper hopes to fill that gap. We will begin our analysis in Part 1 with what is perhaps the most important aspect of any comparison of two styles, one that is vital to the efficient and successful practice of ANY martial art and that determines to a large extent the size, popularity and longevity of the school … … the level of hotness of the female practitioners. I have personally chosen this particular specialization as my life's work. I realize that it takes a great amount of sacrifice and forbearance to choose this field, but I devoutly believe that it is worthy of close and detailed study and consider myself somewhat of an expert in the field. Female ninja, or kunoichi as they are known, are trained from a very young age to excel not only in bare-hand and weapons fighting, but also in methods that we now would call “psy-ops” - psychological operations, the art and science of overcoming your opponent through superior intellect, guile, cunning and planning. They train for years under grueling conditions and harsh masters, enduring the most brutal conditions while they learn to use their feminine charms to first lure and then dispatch a target. They are chosen while still very young for their natural physical abilities, intelligence and natural appearances and learn to use these to the utmost in the service of their country. Female pirates, or wenches as they are known (but not to their face), are kidnapped at a very young age and press-ganged into service aboard a pirate ship. They are trained to be servants and slaves through what we now call “male domination” and learn to survive their masters through superior will, guile, cunning and bra-size. They are trained for years under grueling conditions and harsh masters, eventually learning the pirate principle that sneakiness is next to Godliness. This is the point when they often apply a dagger to their master's throat and graduate to full-fledged pirates with the respect and fear of the crew. Both kunoichi and wenches are deadly in both overt and covert fighting techniques and learn to use their natural distractions as tools to allow them to vanquish any opponent foolish enough to face them. Of the two, the kunoichi have the advantage in formal schooling, while wenches are rarely educated beyond a third-grade level. But the wench makes up for this lack in sheer ferocity, cunning and dirty fighting techniques, while the kunoichi is somewhat hampered by their set-piece technical forms. The kunoichi profit from strong family and clan allegiances but this is also a weak point that can be taken advantage of, while your typical wench has allegiance only to gold and silver, thus freeing her from any political or social bonds. Weaponry: Kunoichi: Dirks, daggers, poisons, iron fans and garrotes. Wenches: Pistols, daggers, scimitars, cutlass, fencing foils, halberds, poisons, cannon, chains, ropes, random chunks of stone and wood, scorpions, sharks, rats, bats, cats, dogs, albatross, blunderbuss, broken glass, girdle stays, grenades and poorly-preserved (unsalted) meat products. Main Fighting Style: Kunoichi: Ninjutsu Wenches: Wrasslin', kickin', slappin', punchin', bitin', scratchin', squeezin' and screamin'. Signature Technique: Kunoichi: approach opponent, blind with blinding powder (metsubishi), slit throat with dagger. Wenches: approach opponent, blind with exposed cleavage (boobs), slit throat with dagger, kick in crotch, throw on deck, stomp on face, spit on motionless body, toss overboard as chum. Advantages and Disadvantages: Kunoichi: Move silently, trained in deadly techniques, masters of disguise, usually small and petite in stature, usually operate alone, can only cover 10-20 miles per day on foot Wenches: Move silently, have picked up a few deadly techniques, masters of cat-fighting, usually huge and muscular in stature, often operate with a gang, can cover over 100 miles per day in a well-rigged sloop with following winds Nationalities: Kunoichi: Japanese Wenches: Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Filipino, Italian, Irish, Scottish, English, French, Norwegian, Swedish, German, Spanish, Mexican, African, American, Australian, Polish, Russian and Micronesian Level of Hotness: Kunoichi: 5 Wenches: 8 Conclusion: Both kunoichi and wenches are deadly fighters in their respective areas of expertise. Kunoichi have a long history of formal training and successful missions, while wenches flourished only during the Golden Age of piracy and rarely received any formal training. But my research and experimentation proves that wenches get the ultimate nod for ferocity and lack of scruples and morals, making them the superior fighters. They have back-up in the form of their gang (“crew”) and have no political or societal restrictions. Besides, they usually have bigger boobs.