Ninjas vs. Pirates: A Tactical Analysis - Part 1: Kunoichi vs. Wenches

Discussion in 'Articles' started by SifuPhil, Aug 27, 2012.

  1. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky


    Much has been made of the ninja vs. pirate theme – in fact, it has become one of the more enduring Internet memes and has been played out repeatedly in forums, chat-rooms and YouTube videos the world over.

    What has not been done, however, as far as this author can ascertain, is to perform a professional analysis of tactics and strategies from the point of view of an experienced martial artist who is familiar and trained in BOTH disciplines. All of the existing ninja-vs-pirate discussions are based upon myths, legends and suppositions held by amateurs, not hard scientific facts and historical records collated by a professional researcher / warrior, leaving a large gap in our comparative martial art knowledge-base.

    This paper hopes to fill that gap.

    We will begin our analysis in Part 1 with what is perhaps the most important aspect of any comparison of two styles, one that is vital to the efficient and successful practice of ANY martial art and that determines to a large extent the size, popularity and longevity of the school …

    female-pirate.jpg female-ninja.jpg

    … the level of hotness of the female practitioners.

    I have personally chosen this particular specialization as my life's work. I realize that it takes a great amount of sacrifice and forbearance to choose this field, but I devoutly believe that it is worthy of close and detailed study and consider myself somewhat of an expert in the field.

    Female ninja, or kunoichi as they are known, are trained from a very young age to excel not only in bare-hand and weapons fighting, but also in methods that we now would call “psy-ops” - psychological operations, the art and science of overcoming your opponent through superior intellect, guile, cunning and planning. They train for years under grueling conditions and harsh masters, enduring the most brutal conditions while they learn to use their feminine charms to first lure and then dispatch a target. They are chosen while still very young for their natural physical abilities, intelligence and natural appearances and learn to use these to the utmost in the service of their country.

    Female pirates, or wenches as they are known (but not to their face), are kidnapped at a very young age and press-ganged into service aboard a pirate ship. They are trained to be servants and slaves through what we now call “male domination” and learn to survive their masters through superior will, guile, cunning and bra-size. They are trained for years under grueling conditions and harsh masters, eventually learning the pirate principle that sneakiness is next to Godliness. This is the point when they often apply a dagger to their master's throat and graduate to full-fledged pirates with the respect and fear of the crew.

    Both kunoichi and wenches are deadly in both overt and covert fighting techniques and learn to use their natural distractions as tools to allow them to vanquish any opponent foolish enough to face them. Of the two, the kunoichi have the advantage in formal schooling, while wenches are rarely educated beyond a third-grade level. But the wench makes up for this lack in sheer ferocity, cunning and dirty fighting techniques, while the kunoichi is somewhat hampered by their set-piece technical forms.

    The kunoichi profit from strong family and clan allegiances but this is also a weak point that can be taken advantage of, while your typical wench has allegiance only to gold and silver, thus freeing her from any political or social bonds.


    Kunoichi: Dirks, daggers, poisons, iron fans and garrotes.
    Wenches: Pistols, daggers, scimitars, cutlass, fencing foils, halberds, poisons, cannon, chains, ropes, random chunks of stone and wood, scorpions, sharks, rats, bats, cats, dogs, albatross, blunderbuss, broken glass, girdle stays, grenades and poorly-preserved (unsalted) meat products.

    Main Fighting Style:

    Kunoichi: Ninjutsu
    Wenches: Wrasslin', kickin', slappin', punchin', bitin', scratchin', squeezin' and screamin'.

    Signature Technique:

    Kunoichi: approach opponent, blind with blinding powder (metsubishi), slit throat with dagger.
    Wenches: approach opponent, blind with exposed cleavage (boobs), slit throat with dagger, kick in crotch, throw on deck, stomp on face, spit on motionless body, toss overboard as chum.

    Advantages and Disadvantages:

    Kunoichi: Move silently, trained in deadly techniques, masters of disguise, usually small and petite in stature, usually operate alone, can only cover 10-20 miles per day on foot
    Wenches: Move silently, have picked up a few deadly techniques, masters of cat-fighting, usually huge and muscular in stature, often operate with a gang, can cover over 100 miles per day in a well-rigged sloop with following winds


    Kunoichi: Japanese
    Wenches: Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Filipino, Italian, Irish, Scottish, English, French, Norwegian, Swedish, German, Spanish, Mexican, African, American, Australian, Polish, Russian and Micronesian

    Level of Hotness:

    Kunoichi: 5
    Wenches: 8


    Both kunoichi and wenches are deadly fighters in their respective areas of expertise. Kunoichi have a long history of formal training and successful missions, while wenches flourished only during the Golden Age of piracy and rarely received any formal training.

    But my research and experimentation proves that wenches get the ultimate nod for ferocity and lack of scruples and morals, making them the superior fighters. They have back-up in the form of their gang (“crew”) and have no political or societal restrictions.

    Besides, they usually have bigger boobs.

  2. Dave76

    Dave76 Deheuol Gwyn Dragon

    I'm going to have to show this to my wife as proof of the intellegent and well reasoned conversation that only a martial arts forum can obtain:D have way to much time on your hands!

    Go and do some f$#king training!:)
  3. John rushton

    John rushton Disciple

    Very good post, a topic we have all thought about from time to time im sure.
    Phil you need to describe the scenario in which they have met in more detail for me to make my mind up, the kunoichi would have an edge in most cases in my opinion.
    SifuPhil likes this.
  4. Enkidu

    Enkidu Destroyer of your martial arts fantasies

    Post of the year. IMHAEO
    SifuPhil likes this.
  5. MadoreGojuRyu

    MadoreGojuRyu Master

    You had me cracking up on this one.
    SifuPhil likes this.
  6. Enkidu

    Enkidu Destroyer of your martial arts fantasies

    One bone of contention, however:


    Oh, really???


  7. Dave76

    Dave76 Deheuol Gwyn Dragon

    Cowboy????? If that's a boy, then I must be batting for the other team :love::love::love: yes!!!
  8. Enkidu

    Enkidu Destroyer of your martial arts fantasies

    I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
    Blade Maker and Dave76 like this.
  9. Master of Nothing

    Master of Nothing Psychotic Pacifist

    Great Post!!!!:jimlad: IMHO- If the two squared off. In saaaaayyy, Jello Pudding. I believe we would all be okay with whoever won.:hungry:
    SifuPhil likes this.
  10. Blade Maker

    Blade Maker Master

    that was an awesome post... :LOL:
    SifuPhil likes this.
  11. dmach

    dmach Martial Archivest

    Absolute Bloody Class my friend. Wonder if they would do this match up on Deadliest Warrior??? :ROFLMAO:
    Judah and SifuPhil like this.
  12. Master of Nothing

    Master of Nothing Psychotic Pacifist

    Unfortunately Deadliest Warrior already sold them out. When they paired Ninja verse Spartans. :wtf:
    Red Australian likes this.
  13. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    I no longer need to train at this point - whenever a confrontation occurs giant BattleAngels appear and do my bidding.

    ... it's one of the unadvertised benefits of practicing Taijiquan. ;)
    Master of Nothing and Enkidu like this.
  14. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    SifuPhil likes this.
  15. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    Where do you stand on Ninja Pirates?
    Ninja Pirates are widely considered to be the most dangerous life forms in existence, a hybrid between the already powerful ninjas, and pirates.


    Or Pirate Ninjas?


    A Pirate Ninja is the opposite of a Ninja Pirate. While a Ninja Pirate is a pirate with Ninja training, a Pirate Ninja is a ninja who pirates. However, similar to the Ninja Pirate, it is a deadly and evil force that should be treated with the utmost caution.
  16. Gone

    Gone Guest

    SifuPhil likes this.
  17. SifuPhil

    SifuPhil Lucky Cat Is Lucky

    Usually on their upper rib cage, just before I run them through with my cutlass.

    Androgyny always scares me - why can't they decide what they are? Pick one side and stay with it? There are just too many questions raised in my mind, such as would you call them "Nirates" or "Pinjas"? The former sounds like something you find in a hot dog; the latter, people who use Pinterest too much. o_O

    Although, I have to admit that the idea of Teenage Female Ninja Pirates is oddly moving ... in a purely martial sense, of course ... :whistle:
    Master of Nothing and Judah like this.
  18. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    Ninja!! Check out the chi blast at 0:37!!!! Visible proof!!!

    And of course.....

    My ninja rap beats your pirate rap!!!
    Master of Nothing likes this.
  19. Master of Nothing

    Master of Nothing Psychotic Pacifist

    Teenage Female Ninja Pirates?!?!?!? (Choir Sings) YUMMMMMMM!!!!
    I think I just "chi blasted" in my pants. :X3:-->:smug:
    SifuPhil, Dpendleton and Judah like this.
  20. Judah

    Judah fights in tights

    Back that up with quantitative data or I'm calling bullshit!
    Master of Nothing likes this.

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